Thursday, 2 November 2017

Nobody knows what its really like

I'm called an inspiration, I'm called strong- being honest, I love it. It makes me feel proud of what I've achieved.
But don't think that I'm always happy or have my shit together. Because I don't.

Nobody sees those days were I struggle to get out of bed because I have 'one of my migraines.' Dizziness takes over and it's a battle to even walk across my room without losing my balance completely and gaining yet another bruise next to all my others that I have collected.

Nobody sees those days where I'm too fatigued to even do anything. Fatigue is inevitable and is a constant in my life now. I have days where being in bed is my only option.

Nobody sees those days where my anxiety becomes too much for me to handle. One irritating thing and I can get completely overwhelmed.

Yes, stroke can do this to you. Nobody thinks it but the after-effects can be horrible. I have good and bad days, just like any other chronic condition. It's unpredictable. I can't help it.

Be patient with me.

Thursday, 14 September 2017

Soup, soup and more soup...

Yes, the title of this blog post may seem weird but just roll with it...

So this time last Thursday I was in an operating theatre, getting my throat chopped and mutilated- yes I finally had my surgery that I was waiting for!
I was having a 'plastic surgery' procedure, known as a pharyngealoplasty (no idea how it's spelt but close enough!) but I guess while the surgeon was in there anyway, he decided to take out my tonsils too. So I had my operation for my speech/voice along with a tonsillectomy- oh joy.
I did wonder why I had been in the operating theatre for 4 hours...

Coming round from the general anaesthetic was not fun- straight away it felt like someone had just sliced into my throat with a knife (well technically they had..) and my jaw and all down my neck was excruciating- probably seeing as they'd had to wrench my jaw right open to get at my throat.

"Beth, my lovely, open your eyes, you ok my darling?"

Hang on, I recognise that voice...

"Beth, darling, wake up"

My eyelids peeled open slowly and my assumptions were confirmed; a lovely nurse who had looked after me all them years ago on the acute stroke ward was here, in recovery with me. She'd obviously moved jobs seeing as she was here but it was so nice to see a familiar face! I think at that point I burst into tears... which confused them all (oops).

The next hour went incredibly slow, I don't know if it was the fact that I just couldn't breathe. I gulped air through my mouth but there was so much 'gunk' on my chest that it was just clogging my airway. Call me dramatic but I thought I was going to die.. again. I couldn't get any air in, my oxygen levels were dropping, I started 'drifting' and my eyes wouldn't stay open anymore, I became increasingly hot and my limbs just felt so heavy, I couldn't move...

"Look at me Beth" I'm trying...

Oh. I can breathe! The nurse had shoved a nasal tube down my nostril to allow me to breathe and omg I instantly felt better (well apart from the fact my nostril was stinging from the sudden tube being poked down there). My eyes sprung open and my parents were both there, again, I burst into tears... I found that with general anaesthetic, like you'd be fine one minute then you'd suddenly have an emotional breakdown and start crying over the fact that your blanket fell on the floor.

I was moved onto a proper ward about half 6, M5 I think it was called. My parents followed me up but I was so woozy from the anaesthetic I just shut my eyes.

Throughout my short stay on M5 ward, I met three wonderful ladies in my room with me, lots of friendly nurses, a hot young male nurse (I know right) and a weird bloke that hung around outside my room asking if I smoked or not...

Yes, so my cuisine that I have to stay on for 3 weeks max. is puree/soft foods, hence the title of this blog post. I've eaten more yoghurts, soups and sweet potato mashes in just this one week than I would normally eat in about 3 months and I've got another 2 weeks to go...

Wednesday, 23 August 2017

Just a little update...

Guys, I'm back! I know it's been forever since I last posted and I apologise but now I'm back to posting on my blog again.

Right, where do I start...

So I took my A Level exams at the end of June. Yes they were spectacularly difficult but I got through them. Honestly it's really not fun spending all your free time shut away in your bedroom trying to panic-cram all this information into your head. The amount of posters and brightly coloured notes that seemed to cover my entire room, the number of times that I cried due to stress and the impending doom of exams.

I received an unconditional offer to study Psychology at the university of Hertfordshire so yes, I was 'technically' into university but hey, you still want to do well in your exams right?!

Well fast forward to the 17th August now which was results day..
I'll be honest with you all, I wasn't nervous. I can only put that done to the fact that I'd got my unconditional offer already.. and the fact that the university and UCAS had already text me to confirm my place on my degree course.
I went nearly the entire day not knowing; only until half 3 did my english teacher email me to tell me what I got. See I was originally due to go into hospital for an operation (more on that in a min) so I asked for them to be posted.. so obviously there was no point me going to my college to get them.. as they wouldn't be there anyway...
So yeah, my english teacher emailed me; I got BBC, the exact grades that I would've needed had I only had a conditional offer. So to say that I was happy was an understatement!!

Right ok so back to my operation.. well I'm due to have this operation to improve my speech basically (I won't go into too much detail because it's very confusing and to be honest, I'm not 100% sure myself!). I originally had a date of 10th August but that got cancelled and moved to 17th August.. which once again, was cancelled so... I'm no further forward in my mission to improve my speech. Devastated, annoyed, disappointed, then list goes on..

And today marks 4 weeks until I move in to my university accommodation, something I have become really excited about recently. Yes, I'm nervous to be living away from home of course but super excited to live with a bunch of people my own age. I've had to buy all my essentials like bedding, towels, kitchen stuff etc but it's only made me more excited to live away. Typing it now even gives me butterflies in my stomach, a mixture of excitement and nervousness...

I will be updating my blog more often now so keep an eye out, it'll follow my university journey and other struggles/highs that I experience.

Sunday, 12 March 2017

I'm here still!

Hiya everyone!

I'm back (temporarily)!
I've just looked on my emails for this blog and I know a number of you have sent me emails asking where I am etc.
Well, I am here, I'm fine- you see, I'm studying A Levels at the moment and college is very hectic! It's so hard to keep up with everything right now but come end of June, I will be freeeeeee! And yes, I will be back to writing blog posts for you guys. Plus I'll have more to talk about as I'm hopefully going to be starting university in September, to study a Psychology degree.

So for now its farewell... but I'll be back end of June with a new blog post.

P.S Thank you so much to those people that have sent me emails about how inspiring and positive my blog is, you don't know how much your words make my day and it's very very kind of you.

Beth x